Dont judge a book by its cover

Don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge me because of my smile!
Lately Ive come to the realization that everyone and their mother must think I am a peach keen jelly bean because I put a smile on my face. Well that's just not the case. I don't expect for you to give me sympathy and that's not why I'm writing this. But my out look on life is why sit around and feel sorry for myself and wallow in my pain, I'm sick but I still want to enjoy my life and my smile is the reason for my healing for my recovery and the reason I will eventually be considered a survivor of cancer!
This last week has not been fun at all and I have had people judge me with out even thinking about what lies beneath my smile, without knowing that under that face that carries a smile is a hurting body.
I have been in and out of the hospital, had dehydration, not pooped in weeks, had an allergic reaction to pain meds, and haven't been able to eat or drink hardly anything because of the pain in my esophagus which feels like i am swallowing a golf ball all the time! Currently I am on 6 different medicines that although all help in some ways they also make other things worse.
I have been so extremely tired that I have trouble getting out of bed or even making it up my stairs, picking up my babies takes all the strength I have ALL of it! I hardly have any now because of the lack of nutrient intake, often making all of my body shaky.
Last week when I took my second trip to the E.R. My great friends sent a red cross message to try and get my husband to come home early to help me. So far nothing has happened. Its scary at night when you are laying in bed alone, so sick and your husband is in another country and my babies are in another room. I often find myself thinking about what it would be like if I weren't here anymore and that's easy to do when you are sick with something as scary as cancer. My husband said dying isn't an option and it isn't right now, but it can be and I cant help but think about it. I also cant help but wish he WERE home with me when times are as tough as they have been the past few days. I have NEVER EVER experienced pain like the pain I was in!
I don't show you because I can and I don't tell you because I cant! In other words. I don't show you how I'm feeling because I have the power to smile and make you believe I am ok, and I don't tell you because I cant- because I have a hard time telling you I hurt and that I truly need help!
So before you judge me or look at me like, she looks fine or shes sounds fine, she doesn't need help, and her husband can just wait to come home please put yourself in my shoes("single Mother" of two, your better half your strength 7,000 miles away where you cant even call when you need to talk, sick with cancer, in and out of the hospital, going through radiation and in the worse pain of your life but trying with all your might to make your life as normal as possible for your children), imagine if your life was my life, don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge me by my smile