Dont judge a book by its cover

Don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge me because of my smile!
Lately Ive come to the realization that everyone and their mother must think I am a peach keen jelly bean because I put a smile on my face. Well that's just not the case. I don't expect for you to give me sympathy and that's not why I'm writing this. But my out look on life is why sit around and feel sorry for myself and wallow in my pain, I'm sick but I still want to enjoy my life and my smile is the reason for my healing for my recovery and the reason I will eventually be considered a survivor of cancer!
This last week has not been fun at all and I have had people judge me with out even thinking about what lies beneath my smile, without knowing that under that face that carries a smile is a hurting body.
I have been in and out of the hospital, had dehydration, not pooped in weeks, had an allergic reaction to pain meds, and haven't been able to eat or drink hardly anything because of the pain in my esophagus which feels like i am swallowing a golf ball all the time! Currently I am on 6 different medicines that although all help in some ways they also make other things worse.
I have been so extremely tired that I have trouble getting out of bed or even making it up my stairs, picking up my babies takes all the strength I have ALL of it! I hardly have any now because of the lack of nutrient intake, often making all of my body shaky.
Last week when I took my second trip to the E.R. My great friends sent a red cross message to try and get my husband to come home early to help me. So far nothing has happened. Its scary at night when you are laying in bed alone, so sick and your husband is in another country and my babies are in another room. I often find myself thinking about what it would be like if I weren't here anymore and that's easy to do when you are sick with something as scary as cancer. My husband said dying isn't an option and it isn't right now, but it can be and I cant help but think about it. I also cant help but wish he WERE home with me when times are as tough as they have been the past few days. I have NEVER EVER experienced pain like the pain I was in!
I don't show you because I can and I don't tell you because I cant! In other words. I don't show you how I'm feeling because I have the power to smile and make you believe I am ok, and I don't tell you because I cant- because I have a hard time telling you I hurt and that I truly need help!
So before you judge me or look at me like, she looks fine or shes sounds fine, she doesn't need help, and her husband can just wait to come home please put yourself in my shoes("single Mother" of two, your better half your strength 7,000 miles away where you cant even call when you need to talk, sick with cancer, in and out of the hospital, going through radiation and in the worse pain of your life but trying with all your might to make your life as normal as possible for your children), imagine if your life was my life, don't judge a book by its cover and don't judge me by my smile

Man oh Man

Man Oh Man I'll be glad when this is all over!
I think I am starting to feel the effects of radiation and have become a little warn out, fatigued is the word the Doctors like. Its such a weird feeling like my mind or brain isn't tired but all my muscles are...makes me feel like I am moving really slow, strange really.
My radiation is 25 minutes north of my house and all my other doctors are about 1hour 15 minutes south of my house and yesterday I just so happened to get lucky enough to have appointments in both places!
I mentioned that I was the youngest person that receives treatment there, well everyday before I go in there is this really tall man in his 70's who always talks to me. He has Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Yesterday we were having a chat about how we each found out we had cancer and the nurse came to get him for his turn and he said to the nurse HEY! you're interrupting me! I'm trying to hit on her! haha old people!
Its now almost 7 and I need to bathe my son and eat some dinner. I went for my first run this evening and have decided thats not such a good idea! I felt a little, ok, a lot dizzy after and sick to my tummy! Guess my body needs a little more time to recover:)
Tonight will be the first night I put Layla in her own crib...wish me luck!

Day 1 Down

My little girl slept through the night for the first time last night. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning realized what time it was, freaked out that she hadn't got up yet, poked at her a little and realized she was still breathing! So I could go back to sleep. She went down at 9:30 and didn't get up till 6:00am. It was nice to get the sleep that's for sure, but I highly doubt at the age of 5 1/2 weeks that this will be a nightly occurrence.

Woke up, pepped up for my first day of radiation. I believe I am the youngest patient that they have in their office at this time. The 2 guys that do the radiation are also younger, I was wondering if its a nice treat for them to see young boobs for a change, although mine definitely don't look to young after having 2 kids:)

My best Friend Cyndy went with me this morning along with my daughter. It only takes a few minutes to receive the treatment. They shoot me from the front, the machine rotates and then they shoot me from the back. They only thing you hear is a loud beeeeeeep! Strange that you don't feel anything either, but its just like getting an Xray and you don't feel that either. Do you think one day I'll just wake up at feel differently?

After, I guess I got a wild hair up my butt because we went and got Tattoos along with me getting my nose pierced! My Tattoo is a symbol of strength. Daddy-please PLEASE don't hate me, beat me next time you see me, or say something mean, like "What the HELL did you do that for?" because I know you'll be thinkin it and that is bad enough! Remember I am a grown women, and no matter what happens to my body, I'm still your little girl! It was fun to get crazy for a second and I know when my husband gets home he's gonna love it all! He has lots of tattoos and has even been on a show on the History Channel because of some of his Military Tattoos.

Tomorrow is day 2 of radiation but the 1st day of the rest of my life!

Dont let me see that on the internet!

I look like I belong in a freaking Hannibal Lecker movie!! When getting my treatment to ensure I hold me chin up and back as far as possible they have made me a lovely mask that covers my entire face, including my mouth and nose, with openings where my eyes are that they strap down to the table....doesn't that sound fun! The markings that the mask leaves on my face when I am done makes me look like I have gotten some kind of surgery to turn my skin into a reptile. You've seen those crazy people on the Maury show that do that kind of stuff haven't you? Well I get it for free and involuntary all you have to do if you'd like to receive this look is have your face bolted to a table during radiation to your chest
Yesterday I went in for them to draw a Field on my chest of where the radiation would be, this was lines on my chest and on the inside of the lines is where the radiation will hit me, part of this goes across my left boob. They had to take a picture of the field to keep in my file. They lifted up my sex hospital gown exposed my chest a left boob and snapped the shot! I better not see that posted on the Internet anywhere!!
I also received tattoos yesterday, which will help them line up the machine, I asked if they were permanent, and the man said yes but they are no dragon! One is in the middle of my chest that has purple arrows pointing to it with a clear sticker over it that I have to wear the entire 4 weeks, wont that look lovely with all my outfits.
Well I'm off to receive my first treatment and kick this cancers ass!

Are you trying to kill me??

Breast Cancer, Thyroid Cancer, Heart Problems, swelling around the heart, Leukemia, Heart Attack, Saliva Glad damage. Are you trying to kill me our help me??
The truth is these are all the possible things that I have the risk of getting because of the Radiation I will be receiving for my Hodgkin's Lymphoma, whoppy for me:)
I start radiation treatment today, that I will receive 5 days a week for 4 weeks. My possible side effects while receiving treatment shouldn't extend past an irritated esophagus, causing me to possibly be on a liquid diet toward the end of my treatment AND fatigue. Hopefully, actually no I know that I am strong enough to over come this!
The other "disease, sicknesses, illness" or what ever you'd like to call them that I listed are things I will be forever at risk of developing because of the area in my body that they will be radiating. Lucky me! To help I will forever need to be monitored, having mammograms starting at the age of 30, maintain a healthy diet and lifestyle, NEVER become a smoker-don't see that becoming an issue as I HATE cigarette smoke and stay fit!
Wish me luck!